Hey, I hope everything can be better.
I realized my mistakes.
Start anew?
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Okay, so a little bit from the beginning of one of my stories
February 1955
Addie walked the path, leaving a clearly marked wide line etched in the snow, her footprints swept over by the back of her skirt, wiped from existence. Snow fell soft on her brown face, the individual flakes sparkling with the reflection of Atlanta’s streetlamps. It felt like a charmed night to her, and at this hour, 4:30 in the morning, the streets were sparse, only flaps of paper rolling down the streets to suggest any prior presence of life.
Lifting her arms from their rhythm of swinging by her sides, she did a few twirls. There was just something about this night, morning, whatever it was that was special; something that marked it off from the continuous nights that had come to pass and the nights that would come to pass. Every few yards she would pass under another streetlamp, and for those suspended milliseconds beneath its haze, anything in her range of vision was soft, not deep in dimension, and was illuminated, creating a bubble of light that both she and her vision were enclosed in. Looking up at the lamp, it looked like a bright light when looked through with chlorine-soaked eyes, edges smeared in fleeting, fluid rainbows. When she was small she had swam at the YMCA a few times, and she remember looking at the light over her family’s kitchen table and viewing a similar sight.
Continuing to walk on those Atlanta streets, Addie passed Hal’s Barber Shop, where her mama worked when she was a girl. For memory’s sake, she pressed her nose up against its cold glass windows and pretended for a while that she could see her mama trimming the beard of some stranger, working diligently, concentration marked heavy upon her brow. After work, she and her mama would walk further down those streets, hand in hand, until they reached the little apartment they shared with her father and baby brother, Elijah.
But no, her mama and her family had been lost years ago, and for a moment Addie felt her tear ducts prickle. No, she thought, it would do no good, must get on home. But the memories had taken their toll, the night no longer felt any different from the others.
Addie tried to brush these feelings away, and decided to instead think about her life at present. She had a wonderful man, Lawrence, and she felt that pretty soon they would get married and start a family of their own. Oh how Addie wanted a family of her own! Her own little baby, product of herself and the person she loved most in the world. Yes, these were much better thoughts to dwell on, and she started to feel her spirits rise a little.
She then found her thoughts drifting back to the night’s work. As much as she enjoyed nursing, sometimes it would send an age old pain through her as well. A little girl was currently her favorite patient. She was twelve, but had the body of an eight year old. Elizabeth Carter, Lizzie, as she demanded to be called. Lizzie was everything she would want in a daughter, and she thought of the first night she had visited Lizzie, nearly three and a half months ago.
•••••••••••••••••••••••
She walked into Elizabeth’s room about 1:00 to find her sound asleep in her little bed. She looked around at the little room, identical to all of the rest of the hospital rooms except for a balloon someone had brought for Lizzie, ‘Get Well Soon’ it said in faded yellow letters, contrasting against the purple background. Addie had gone in the room to retrieve Lizzie’s tray from dinner, and she quietly made her way over to the little bedside table and bent down to pick it up. Then something she had never heard before happened. She let her eyes find Elizabeth’s resting head, her little sprigs of black fuzz nearly touching her eyes.
No, she thought, Lizzie won’t do it again. Just as Addie turned to leave though, she once again heard the soft whisper of Lizzie’s voice. “Mama,” she cooed. “I love you.” Her words began to come out mumbled though as she hit the ‘you’ and Addie felt as if she was intruding upon something very special. The girl’s thought were flowing out of her mouth without her knowledge, revealing her private thoughts, and in those thoughts, little pieces of the girl’s life, personality, and hopes that she had not willingly told Addie, and probably wouldn’t. Addie couldn’t help to be touched though, and before she left, she gently brushed the black curls off Lizzie’s forehead and felt a desire that at the time she couldn’t place a name on.
Later she had realized the desire, something she felt she had really wanted for a very long time; a child; a piece of herself that she knew that she would never have without one. It was since that night that her body and her mind had yearned for a child, and she planned to tell Lawrence that following day.
Addie walked the path, leaving a clearly marked wide line etched in the snow, her footprints swept over by the back of her skirt, wiped from existence. Snow fell soft on her brown face, the individual flakes sparkling with the reflection of Atlanta’s streetlamps. It felt like a charmed night to her, and at this hour, 4:30 in the morning, the streets were sparse, only flaps of paper rolling down the streets to suggest any prior presence of life.
Lifting her arms from their rhythm of swinging by her sides, she did a few twirls. There was just something about this night, morning, whatever it was that was special; something that marked it off from the continuous nights that had come to pass and the nights that would come to pass. Every few yards she would pass under another streetlamp, and for those suspended milliseconds beneath its haze, anything in her range of vision was soft, not deep in dimension, and was illuminated, creating a bubble of light that both she and her vision were enclosed in. Looking up at the lamp, it looked like a bright light when looked through with chlorine-soaked eyes, edges smeared in fleeting, fluid rainbows. When she was small she had swam at the YMCA a few times, and she remember looking at the light over her family’s kitchen table and viewing a similar sight.
Continuing to walk on those Atlanta streets, Addie passed Hal’s Barber Shop, where her mama worked when she was a girl. For memory’s sake, she pressed her nose up against its cold glass windows and pretended for a while that she could see her mama trimming the beard of some stranger, working diligently, concentration marked heavy upon her brow. After work, she and her mama would walk further down those streets, hand in hand, until they reached the little apartment they shared with her father and baby brother, Elijah.
But no, her mama and her family had been lost years ago, and for a moment Addie felt her tear ducts prickle. No, she thought, it would do no good, must get on home. But the memories had taken their toll, the night no longer felt any different from the others.
Addie tried to brush these feelings away, and decided to instead think about her life at present. She had a wonderful man, Lawrence, and she felt that pretty soon they would get married and start a family of their own. Oh how Addie wanted a family of her own! Her own little baby, product of herself and the person she loved most in the world. Yes, these were much better thoughts to dwell on, and she started to feel her spirits rise a little.
She then found her thoughts drifting back to the night’s work. As much as she enjoyed nursing, sometimes it would send an age old pain through her as well. A little girl was currently her favorite patient. She was twelve, but had the body of an eight year old. Elizabeth Carter, Lizzie, as she demanded to be called. Lizzie was everything she would want in a daughter, and she thought of the first night she had visited Lizzie, nearly three and a half months ago.
•••••••••••••••••••••••
She walked into Elizabeth’s room about 1:00 to find her sound asleep in her little bed. She looked around at the little room, identical to all of the rest of the hospital rooms except for a balloon someone had brought for Lizzie, ‘Get Well Soon’ it said in faded yellow letters, contrasting against the purple background. Addie had gone in the room to retrieve Lizzie’s tray from dinner, and she quietly made her way over to the little bedside table and bent down to pick it up. Then something she had never heard before happened. She let her eyes find Elizabeth’s resting head, her little sprigs of black fuzz nearly touching her eyes.
No, she thought, Lizzie won’t do it again. Just as Addie turned to leave though, she once again heard the soft whisper of Lizzie’s voice. “Mama,” she cooed. “I love you.” Her words began to come out mumbled though as she hit the ‘you’ and Addie felt as if she was intruding upon something very special. The girl’s thought were flowing out of her mouth without her knowledge, revealing her private thoughts, and in those thoughts, little pieces of the girl’s life, personality, and hopes that she had not willingly told Addie, and probably wouldn’t. Addie couldn’t help to be touched though, and before she left, she gently brushed the black curls off Lizzie’s forehead and felt a desire that at the time she couldn’t place a name on.
Later she had realized the desire, something she felt she had really wanted for a very long time; a child; a piece of herself that she knew that she would never have without one. It was since that night that her body and her mind had yearned for a child, and she planned to tell Lawrence that following day.
Seward
So, yeah I suppose I will write a little something.
I had quite a revelation yesterday.
Maybe a wake up-call.
My grandparents inhabit the town of Norman, Oklahoma, and yesterday we packed up the trusty blue minivan to go see them.
My grandfather has been bedridden for somthing like 400 days now.
My grandmother is a strict Republican with an adversion to the Germans, ACORN, and doctors (one almost ended her life).
So I walk into my grandfather's little room transformed-hospital chamber to see him asleep, curled up in blankets, his thighs, wide as my arm, peeking out from beneath the covers. The stench of feces fills the room.
Sixty years of chain smoking has taken its toll, and what it hasn't robbed from him enphazema, diabetes, macular digeneration, age, and some kind of rare infection are dividing the remaining spoils.
I have gone through this before, it isn't new. My other grandfather perished quite the same way about a year and a half ago.
A little nugging and some soft coos
Wake him
And he struggles to speak.
He asks what I want for Christmas and I tell him: a laptop, some favorite books.
I return the question.
Sans teeth, or even dentures, he gives a valient effort to say, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"
I give a half hearted attempt to laugh.
We make idle chat for a while, or at least I do,
Some 'I love you's', because I do.
He hands me a DVD from his bedside table.
D-Day Code Name: 'OVERLORD'
A WWII real footage DVD describing the invasion of Normandy.
He tells me I have to watch it, for I am taking the language French and anything French apparently I crave.
A war video, not exactly what I am dying to see. Wasn't the soldier's grave at the cemetary bad enough?
Images and audio then speed through my mind about all I have to do tonight and just all the stress I have and how, no way do I have time for that movie.
Then I look back down at his face and I can't even describe it, the emotions, both pleasant and sad that sift through my head.
And I realize that it is better to have something to do than nothing at all.
He has nothing to do at all.
But maybe wait for death to steal him away.
And the clock is ticking.
I wonder if he still has some unfinished business?
Something left to achieve.
Surely he isn't wasting away there in pain for nothing, right?
Is that the reason he is still here, trapped in his body like a man held firm a gurney?
Where will he go?
If heaven is real will he go there?
Or is he like me, never really sure what to believe, surrounded by firm believers?
Putting off these thoughts until the end?
Well, Gramps, it's time.
And all my problems seen so petty.
I had quite a revelation yesterday.
Maybe a wake up-call.
My grandparents inhabit the town of Norman, Oklahoma, and yesterday we packed up the trusty blue minivan to go see them.
My grandfather has been bedridden for somthing like 400 days now.
My grandmother is a strict Republican with an adversion to the Germans, ACORN, and doctors (one almost ended her life).
So I walk into my grandfather's little room transformed-hospital chamber to see him asleep, curled up in blankets, his thighs, wide as my arm, peeking out from beneath the covers. The stench of feces fills the room.
Sixty years of chain smoking has taken its toll, and what it hasn't robbed from him enphazema, diabetes, macular digeneration, age, and some kind of rare infection are dividing the remaining spoils.
I have gone through this before, it isn't new. My other grandfather perished quite the same way about a year and a half ago.
A little nugging and some soft coos
Wake him
And he struggles to speak.
He asks what I want for Christmas and I tell him: a laptop, some favorite books.
I return the question.
Sans teeth, or even dentures, he gives a valient effort to say, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"
I give a half hearted attempt to laugh.
We make idle chat for a while, or at least I do,
Some 'I love you's', because I do.
He hands me a DVD from his bedside table.
D-Day Code Name: 'OVERLORD'
A WWII real footage DVD describing the invasion of Normandy.
He tells me I have to watch it, for I am taking the language French and anything French apparently I crave.
A war video, not exactly what I am dying to see. Wasn't the soldier's grave at the cemetary bad enough?
Images and audio then speed through my mind about all I have to do tonight and just all the stress I have and how, no way do I have time for that movie.
Then I look back down at his face and I can't even describe it, the emotions, both pleasant and sad that sift through my head.
And I realize that it is better to have something to do than nothing at all.
He has nothing to do at all.
But maybe wait for death to steal him away.
And the clock is ticking.
I wonder if he still has some unfinished business?
Something left to achieve.
Surely he isn't wasting away there in pain for nothing, right?
Is that the reason he is still here, trapped in his body like a man held firm a gurney?
Where will he go?
If heaven is real will he go there?
Or is he like me, never really sure what to believe, surrounded by firm believers?
Putting off these thoughts until the end?
Well, Gramps, it's time.
And all my problems seen so petty.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
America's Culture
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zb0FUaoAulk&feature=related
This is absolutely insane. This is Latarian Milton, the seven year old who participated in grand theft auto, stealing his grandmother's Durrango, and taking it for a spin, hospitalizing people and wrecking cars. Who's to blame? Video games, rap music, MTV, BET, a culture that convinces kids that stealing, being a 'gangsta' and getting 12 year old girls pregnant is cool. It's disgusting. It needs to stop, unless we want to raise a generation of youth like Latarian Milton. Imagine what he will be like when he's 1o? 15? 18?
Those rap stars like Ludacris, 50 Cent, and Eminem, are just showing how animalistic they really are. And the worst part is, they are accepted, and even called "musicians" and "artists", by their adoring fans, many just kids and teenagers getting exposed to a sex-based world. These "stars" are rich, famous, and well liked by everyone. No wonder we have kids idolizing these stars.
This is absolutely insane. This is Latarian Milton, the seven year old who participated in grand theft auto, stealing his grandmother's Durrango, and taking it for a spin, hospitalizing people and wrecking cars. Who's to blame? Video games, rap music, MTV, BET, a culture that convinces kids that stealing, being a 'gangsta' and getting 12 year old girls pregnant is cool. It's disgusting. It needs to stop, unless we want to raise a generation of youth like Latarian Milton. Imagine what he will be like when he's 1o? 15? 18?
Those rap stars like Ludacris, 50 Cent, and Eminem, are just showing how animalistic they really are. And the worst part is, they are accepted, and even called "musicians" and "artists", by their adoring fans, many just kids and teenagers getting exposed to a sex-based world. These "stars" are rich, famous, and well liked by everyone. No wonder we have kids idolizing these stars.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Last year.
Oh my.
What a year.
I found love, or so I thought, anger, betrayal, a friend.
I'm still thinking about it, maybe I'm hung up on the past, considering my future is three and a half years away.
And we've done so much scheming,
thinking,
planning,
when really,
we both want unexpectancy.
Latin America.
Oh my.
What a year.
I found love, or so I thought, anger, betrayal, a friend.
I'm still thinking about it, maybe I'm hung up on the past, considering my future is three and a half years away.
And we've done so much scheming,
thinking,
planning,
when really,
we both want unexpectancy.
Latin America.
Small interjection of thoughts
I feel so much
in such an empty way.
God, I want to leave the country and live.
in such an empty way.
God, I want to leave the country and live.
You say you tell me everything,
but you don't
I feel so different, can you not trust me?
Why do I feel like you are a completely different person around other people?
The stuff you do with your other friends, you wouldn't do with me.
Get drunk? Nicotine pills?
I thought you didn't want to.
But I guess it turns out, you do,
and I guess I can't know.
I guess I wouldn't understand.
Or so you think.
I feel alienated.
But you won't read this anyway.
but you don't
I feel so different, can you not trust me?
Why do I feel like you are a completely different person around other people?
The stuff you do with your other friends, you wouldn't do with me.
Get drunk? Nicotine pills?
I thought you didn't want to.
But I guess it turns out, you do,
and I guess I can't know.
I guess I wouldn't understand.
Or so you think.
I feel alienated.
But you won't read this anyway.
Monday, January 28, 2008
China and the United States
The Chinese and Americans are driving me crazy! They do so many stupid things and don't even think about the consequences to their actions in say, five, ten, twenty, fifty years! Example, Three Gorges Dam. The area that will eventually be flooded is an archeologist's treasure, with remains dating back more than a thousand years. There are beautiful pieces of art, and so many clues to how the Yangtze Valley was settled. Not to mention all the people's homes that will be soon underwater! Don't they care? I know that there will be positive things resulting from the Three Gorges Dam like hydroelectirc power, but couldn't they have waited for these to be evacuated? Couldn't they have helped the people who are losing their homes and way of life?
Another example are China's cities, which are sprawling at an alarming rate. So much pollution, don't they see that because of United States, their efforts, and the rest of the world, we are slowly destoying the world? At least the United States is slowly getting greener, China is up, up, up!
America too needs to get their act together. We need to conserve and stop thinking that we are the only people on the planet. People need to stop doing good for the environment just when it is convieniant for them, and make some sacrifices. We can do without SUVs people!
The United States and China need to realize that the world isn't theirs, and that it is their responsiblity as 'superpowers' to save it.
Another example are China's cities, which are sprawling at an alarming rate. So much pollution, don't they see that because of United States, their efforts, and the rest of the world, we are slowly destoying the world? At least the United States is slowly getting greener, China is up, up, up!
America too needs to get their act together. We need to conserve and stop thinking that we are the only people on the planet. People need to stop doing good for the environment just when it is convieniant for them, and make some sacrifices. We can do without SUVs people!
The United States and China need to realize that the world isn't theirs, and that it is their responsiblity as 'superpowers' to save it.
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